Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!
5:46 pm
Fri May 11, 2012

Bluff The Listener

Originally published on Sat May 12, 2012 11:25 am

Transcript

CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR News quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. We're playing his week with Mo Rocca, Tom Bodett and Amy Dickinson. And, here again is your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Carl. Thank you everybody.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: It is, of course, time again for the WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME! Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-Wait-Wait to play our game on the air. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

JESS MERO: Hi, this is Jess Mero from Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Milwaukee?

MERO: Good, it's finally warming up, so you can sit on the patios.

SAGAL: That's nice. Drinking your beer, or so I'm told.

MERO: Exactly.

SAGAL: That's what you do.

MERO: I think we're the biggest bar capitol or whatever.

SAGAL: Yeah, it is. It's fabulous.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Jess. You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. Carl, what is Jess' topic?

KASELL: Pin the tale on Grandpa.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Despite parents' best efforts, kids' birthday parties sometimes end in tears. But this week we learned about a special new service for birthday parties that will guarantee misery and unhappiness. Guess the true terrible new birthday party idea and you will get Carl's voice on your home answering machine or voicemail. Ready to play?

MERO: I am.

SAGAL: Let's hear first from Amy Dickinson.

AMY DICKINSON: Don't you get tired sometimes of your kids bugging you about what awesome thing you're going to do for their next birthday party? Maybe Dora the Explorer is lost in the weeds or maybe pin the tail on the donkey is just too darned political for you this year.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Or maybe you just really hate your kids.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: If any of this applies to you, you need to hire Dominic Deville's evil clown for kid's next, and maybe last, birthday.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: For a fee, the evil clown will stalk your child for an entire week.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Making prank phone calls and sending terrifying text messages and notes, warning your child that she will be attacked by an evil clown.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: And then, on the birthday itself, the evil clown will, in fact, attack the child.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

DICKINSON: Smashing a cake into his face. Dominic Deville reassures parents by saying that during its rein of terror, the evil clown will never break into your home. Cost of a lifetime supply of birthday therapy is extra.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Evil clowns stalking your children and springing their trap on their birthday. Your next story of a horrible birthday party comes from Tom Bodett.

TOM BODETT: There is not much sweet about turning 16: hormone imbalances, acne, gym class. About the only redeeming aspect of a sixteenth birthday is the thrill of driving a car all by yourself. But Chad Farnham of Amelia National Safety Labs in Lucy, Kentucky has a cure for that too: Sweet 16 Crash Test parties. "We thought it would be a great way to have some fun and show new drivers the damage that a crash can do."

The parties amount to the birthday boy or girl, and their friends, watching a driver safety video, then lining up behind the screen along the test track to watch a couple of crashes. "The first one is lower speed, but we fill the dummies with red syrup to get the right effect," explained Farnham.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

BODETT: "They're all pretty pale when we send the second car down at fifty miles per."

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BODETT: "But then the dummies bust open like piƱatas and they see they're filled with Skittles and coupons for the laser tag place next door."

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

BODETT: Asked how many crash test parties they've held, Farnham replied, "just the one so far."

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Crash test parties, fun and a safe driving lesson.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Your last story of parents ruining their child's party comes from Mo Rocca.

MO ROCCA: For kids who love to play doctor, there's no substitute for the real thing. That's the thinking behind the "Where Does It Hurt" birthday party package for kids 8 to 10 years of age.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Produced by AARP, the birthday boy or girl and friends will be outfitted in lab coats and stethoscopes then driven to a nearby nursing home.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: Each little doctor gets to spend two hours listening to an elderly resident describe his or her aches and pains.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

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ROCCA: Then the mini-medics will sort pills, adjust the thermostat, fill out claims forms, adjust the thermostat.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: And even learn to spell Epsom.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: The best part of all? The birthday boy gets to give the oldest patient a sponge bath.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right. Jess, are you by any chance a parent yourself?

MERO: I'm not. I'm only 27.

SAGAL: Oh, OK. Well, someday if you are a parent you'll be able to purchase perhaps one of these services for your child on his or her birthday.

Is it from Amy Dickinson: the terrifying scary clown who stalks your child, leading up to the birthday? From Tom Bodett: the crash test party, where kids get to joyfully look at the result of car crashes before they start driving themselves? Or from Mo Rocca: the play doctor party where they get to go an assisted living home and play doctor with the residents there?

MERO: I wish it was Amy's but I'm going to guess Tom.

SAGAL: So you wish it was Amy's scary clown?

MERO: I think that's sort of funny.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Maybe it's best that you don't become a parent.

MERO: Yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So you're going to skip Amy's story; you're going to go for Tom's story of the crash test parties?

MERO: Yes, I hope so.

SAGAL: Well, we actually spoke to somebody who provides this service.

PROFESSOR CHUMLEY: They're always going to remember their tenth birthday when they have the clown following them for a week.

MERO: No.

CHUMLEY: That's the gift that keeps on giving.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

MERO: Oh no.

SAGAL: That was the clown known as Professor Chumley. You can hire him to torment your children at evilclownsforhire.com.

(SOUNDBITE OF LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: So, I'm so sorry.

MERO: I'll have to remember that.

SAGAL: It was hilarious and it was true. You should have picked Amy's. Sadly, you did not. You didn't win. But you did pick Tom's story, earning him a point. So thank you so much for that.

BODETT: Thank you, Jess.

MERO: Thanks. Thanks.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Bye-bye, Jess.

MERO: Bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright National Public Radio.